Shamelessly stolen one liners from the Edinburgh Fringe

[geoffers997]

Olaf Falafel: Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle.

Leila Navabi: I have an unconscious bias. I’m biased firmly towards being unconscious.

Sikisa: Cats are like strippers – they sit on your lap and make you think they love you.

Liz Guterbock: The UK is so small, they’ve got to keep all their lakes in one district.

Richard Stott: I have a suntanning addiction, so only go on holiday in winter. I went cold Turkey last year.

Ginny Hogan: Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself. If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.

Alison Spittle: What does Kylie sing while counting sheep? I can’t get ewe out of my head.

Eric Rushton: There’s a lot of shame surrounding sex. After I have sex with someone, they often whisper “that’s a shame”.

Kuan-Wen Huang: My relationship with my mum is like the evolution of payment technology – we went from physical contact to electronic only, then it was contactless.

Amos Gill: Last year, I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.

[AynRandyAndy]

And from the master himself:

I've decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me.”

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?”

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!’

[ellasae]

My grief counsellor died recently , he must've been good cos I didn't give a s**t