Post by russktm on Dec 3, 2007 18:46:22 GMT 1
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
>and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
>song you like and hum that instead.
>
>CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
>having a pish before the film starts.
>
>RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
>actually speaking clearly in the first place.
>
>DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
>identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
>with your old bank statements.
>
>WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
>red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
>remove the stains
>
>SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera and avoid a court martial after
>each trip to Trueprint.
>
>MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
>to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
>
>BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
>sticking out at ninety degrees and wrapped in a pillow, in case they
>set a dog on you.
>
>EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half of
>the applications into the bin.
>
>MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
>the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
>your wife from having to do it.
>
>GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
>by Royal Mail.
>
>BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
>very small horse is approaching.
>
>ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
>
>DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
>and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
>them on their way.
>
>PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
>everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
>morning, simply move it all back again.
>
>CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
>valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
>
>DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
>simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
>
>MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
>Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
>you are listening to the sea.
>and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
>song you like and hum that instead.
>
>CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
>having a pish before the film starts.
>
>RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
>actually speaking clearly in the first place.
>
>DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
>identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
>with your old bank statements.
>
>WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
>red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
>remove the stains
>
>SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera and avoid a court martial after
>each trip to Trueprint.
>
>MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
>to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
>
>BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
>sticking out at ninety degrees and wrapped in a pillow, in case they
>set a dog on you.
>
>EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half of
>the applications into the bin.
>
>MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
>the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
>your wife from having to do it.
>
>GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
>by Royal Mail.
>
>BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
>very small horse is approaching.
>
>ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
>
>DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
>and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
>them on their way.
>
>PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
>everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
>morning, simply move it all back again.
>
>CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
>valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
>
>DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
>simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
>
>MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
>Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
>you are listening to the sea.
