Post by alibongo on Dec 14, 2006 9:32:09 GMT 1
A few great one-liners from the great man himself
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out. This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We don't give him any'
I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.
I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.
When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.
I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.
I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.
I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'. The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have the one'. He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out. This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We don't give him any'
I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.
I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.
When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.
I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.
I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.
I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'. The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have the one'. He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.